Is this the part where I get back on the horse??

Yesterday I had a decision placed before me. A teammate who is much more specialized in moving heavy loads (I’m more of a body weight/endurance girl) had an awesome performance in practice and I was asked if I wanted to hand over my spot on the team. Although I know my strengths in CrossFit lie elsewhere it was still a tough blow to take. I was ready. I was committed. I just wasn’t the best person for the job. 

I guess that’s sort of how life works, isn’t it?

There are so many cliches that would accurately describe my feelings. There are also so many cliches that are suppose to empower me to “stand strong” and “get motivated”; yet none of that really makes me feel better. It doesn’t really matter what the circumstance is, it just flat out hurts to be told you aren’t good enough. (Yes, I know, poor me. You will all be receiving pity party invites in the mail shortly).

It is also tough to put aside my selfish feelings to be able to give my team the support they have given me. But here I am; ready to get back on the horse. When nearly every bone in my body would prefer to kick the mangy animal that chucked me on the ground I am going to take a deep breath and get back on (I have realized that kicking the animal really only provides temporary relief and in the end neither party benefits).

I know I’m learning and growing from this. Quite frankly I’m pretty dang amazed by God’s curriculum for me this year - I believe He has overestimated my capacity to learn. I also want to provide the encouragement the team deserves and has worked so hard for, but before I could be supportive I needed to have a moment to get my emotions in check. Amid other happenings last night I felt like I was falling apart and I really wasn’t interested in trying to keep it together. 

My saving grace? Knowing that I could completely fall apart. Knowing that I don’t always need to have it together. Learning that I’m seriously kidding myself if I think I could even attempt to constantly provide happiness to others without stopping to look at myself.

So today I sit and reflect on Psalm 139 trying to pound it into my memory. God already knows what’s going on inside my heart and head - a calm exterior doesn’t change that. I can rest assured that even though I may fall apart from time to time He will be there to put me back together.